Door county kinda makes me miss myself. If that makes any sense. I can take long bike rides by myself to the docks and just sit there and think. Review how my life has been going. Evaluate my relationships. Search for the strength to keep eating. All while sitting in the dock. Then I ride my favorite bike around the campground. Wearing crocs- because I don’t give a hoot- yoga capris and my French club sweatshirt. Waving to people in the campsites and saying hello. I want to live like this. Me and my dad play stratego and make the sound effects of bombs when our pieces run into them. We biked to the Marina where we read all the boat names and made up stories about why there are called that. We got ice cream. He helped me buy a shirt from the brilliant stranger. He bought me three taffys. Just because I wanted three. Now I’m laying here in my bunk thinking about what I will have to do when I get back. I don’t wanna go back… I don’t want to work. I don’t want to mow the grass. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to think. But I have to.
Why is my boyfriend so sexy but so far away…
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The first time I cut. I was in my basement. Alone. Sad. Hopeless. I went into the drawers and cabinets looking for it. Then I found it. The boxcutters. Rusted and well used. I slid the blade all the way out and rested it on my inner wrist. I remember thinking in my head, you shouldn’t be doing this. But then the other one said, you have to. I pushed it into my skin and instant pain rushed through me. I couldn’t do it. This wasn’t me. This was the depressed me. I almost chickened out but then i dared myself to go further. This was new and exciting. Then I just did it again. until it pierced the skin and blood began to surface. I still see everyday..a centimeter of a cut. But still a cut. That I made myself. And then it began. But I realized that razors made much deeper cleaner easier cuts. But that boxcutters still sits in that drawer untouched since the day I used it. Laughing at me. Scolding my idiocracy. Shaking its head.
Brittany Kolb: “wtf I barely know her”
HAHAHAHA oh gosh.
